blog 302: i heard a great song today

June 1st

I heard a great song today! Over the telegraph! On the midday stop. We time the force march by telegraphic junctions so I can spend the afternoons briefing by conference telegraphing between bouts of laying under my sodden cot as water drips on me. I think it is that now notorious black marketeer and sometime telegraphic reporter! His telegraphic reports on Delhi top the damn fool Muslim and his Koran preaching newspaper big time!

Between vivid reports of the garroting of a city by crime he telegraphed the big song being sung there:

People got shawls big and small. My love got a handkerchief.
There was a great bazaar in Meerut. My love did not know how to plunder.
People got dishes and cups. My love got a glass.
People got coconuts and dates. My love got an almond.
People got coins. My love got half a penny.
There was this great bazaar in Meerut. But my love did not know how to plunder….

I laughed insanely for half a hour. Then I cried for half an hour. Then I washed my face and continued briefing by telegraph, contacting everyone in a telegraphic network of eyes and ears all over India. New security protocols keep kicking in all of the time of course. But most oddly, the Rebels just don’t bother to attack the telegraphic network. Random vandalizing here and there but we quickly re-wire. The telegraphic network is amazing! Everyone knows what is happening almost ‘real time’ which is the new pundit word.

Telegraphic operators are connected to newswriters who are handlers of between one and ten spy cells of eyes and ears that cover the countryside like a patchwork quilt. MI 1 has been building the telegraphic spying network all of the last year. And telegraphic operators are all Loyalists. The job practically insures it. The technology. The level of education. The democracy of merit that is the telegraphic durbar. The fact the rebels railed against the telegraph as haram and damnable. A lot of those plucky souls avoided death by moving into hidden fall back headquarters while their cells fan out to spy and report to them. They have secret hordes of supplies. And they are incredibly brave. I cannot believe how brave they are! If we win this civil war it will be because of the brave people of the telegraph!


Telegraphs throughout Rajasthan report sporadic attacks by random companies or regiments of Bengal Army sowars and sepoys —- mostly in Kota, Aimer, Nasirabad, Neemuch, and Bharatpur. No big surprise. The Princes are quarantining every suspect Bengal Army unit and now their own men attack the rebels. The question is if the civilians of the principalities, hot headed Rajputs, hot headed Pathans, just plain hot heads, will join the hotheads of the mutinying Bengal Army.

June 2nd
Hobson is on the Ridge with some of the advance units of the ‘Besieging Army’ from Meerut. Only Meerut Morons could send a besieging army and then get trapped on a fucking raise among blown up bungalows and burnt houses and become besieged! Yes! Yes! The brilliance of it all! The fucking assholes are surrounded! The Besieging Army is being besieged by mutineers! Got to love it! Meerut! You have triumphed yet again! Turning gold to dross and victory to defeat! With guys like you who needs the enemy!

Hobson wires that he does not need any Besieging Army to deploy his spies. That fair haired prick is using the fucking Delhi Polo Grounds as his fucking headquarters! Fuck! Right under the cannon of the mutineers! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Hobson! You have more guts than the entire fucking Besieging Army of Meerut Morons combined!


Late telegraph from Rajasthan. Loyalists crushing random mutinies by lone Bengal Army units. Little evidence of civilian enthusiasm. Random Muslim attacks. Mostly arsonists and agent provocateurs. If they tell the population these are ‘random Muslim attacks’ then the Rajputs will decide this is a religious war — against them! Just like before! Georgie Lawrence is being cool and using the fatwas and proclamations of jihad, producing green flags of jihad, digging up caches of gunpowder inside mosques, and producing mail and codes before the Wahhabists can use them and presenting the evidence as fanatic Muslim Jihad.

The Princes order all of the Hindu Temples to be placed under ‘Protection from attack by fanatics’. What a brilliant way to yank a Rajput’s balls! After centuries of their temples being destroyed and idols being defiled, Rajputs will die to protect their temples and idols now! Georgie telegraphs me that he plans to use each Jihadist outbreak of the Rebel Pox as an example of Holy War. Only instead of ‘Islam is in danger’ he will package it as ‘Hinduism is in danger’. Then he will let the Rajputs do the rest.

He reports the Princes are being extraordinary cool and calm. “They are worried of course why the Meerut Morons are being so moronic – if not out and out cowardly. I agree with them. The Meerut Morons are moronic. I tell them to look west toward the Corp of Guides and the Moveable Column. They nod. But John. Don’t fuck up! If you guys fuck up then I cannot hold Rajasthan! PS. When I told them you were appointed to command the Moveable Column they were all delighted! They know you will kick balls! And not polo balls either!”

June 3rd

I have just heard by telegraph that it was not Chamberlain but John Lawrence who first recommended me. I am dumbfounded. John Lawrence hates my guts. I hate his guts. And he is briefing me in Rawalpindi.


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